Chapter Six

Apr.23/26

Today it was beautiful. 16° and sunny. We went for a long walk and I got more trees for my home decor.

It’s been a few more days, the apartment is slowly getting back to normal. I’ve thrown out so much stuff, got rid of all my business stuff, replaced a lot of stuff and I still have stuff to get again.

Pay bills first. The garden is started, quails are good, there’s food in the fridge and the kids room is clean lol.

Sigh… Life is …. Life.

I often find myself thinking of what was. It bothers me. I haven’t felt like this since I was a teen, I didn’t know I could feel it again. Here’s the thing, I’m not 18 anymore and my heart can’t take this ow feeling. The last little while I’ve been trying to express and pay attention to my heart as heart disease is strong in my family and I have been having more and more random pain which makes me nervous. Best to take care of myself now and not later. So thinking of things makes it hurt and I probably shouldn’t do that but being human makes me think… And I was working on my issue of trying not to over think .. damn… So let’s keep with he improving on the broken heart issues and damage despite not having anyone to work for other than for myself.

I just think of the little things that made me happy. I think I’ve been struggling with it. But I’m ok honestly.

Now I have questions to ask myself. All my friends talk to guy after guy…. With no future thoughts…. I try once for the rest of life and always get hurt one way or another cause life doesn’t want me to be happy lol… So what do I do…. My sexuality is A sexual.. the dead fish kind… So do I date again and try to find someone to spend the rest of my life with or do I say fuck it cause you have issues and just stay alone…. Errrr

Just not worry about it… It’s frustrating… Life is frustrating… Why does anger have to exist…. Stupid thing….. Maybe we wouldn’t have so much war if we didn’t have anger…. Like a bit is fine but when you destroy when mad it’s not a good thing.

Erg..it’s late.. maybe I should go to bed, and stop thinking. But it’s good to write about it. And get it out. Job I need a full time job……

~Mother